How the pandemic is gravely affecting me

Day idk of the quarantine period

I haven’t been keeping in touch with the dates ever since I went back here in Davao. As far I could remember, it has been around six to seven months already. It started late March, and it’s now at the beginning of September. Who would’ve thought that this situation would reach this point?

At first, we were all just trying to find joy inside our respective houses, exploring what we haven’t done before because we are not limited. Now, we have no choice but to look for something to do to ease boredom. Boredom. For privileged people like me (but not privileged enough like the rich), people were discovering new stuff and experimenting with the available resources, especially with food.

But when it seems like you’ve finished trying all the possibilities like an invisible checklist, with no specific tasks, that’s when you know that the situation is not getting any better.

...And I am blaming the government for that. Everything is political, even this blog post. Due to this series of unfortunate events—lack of immediate response and practical solution, we are all suffering in this birdcage with limited food and dirt stinking. We are not free. Not only because of the virus, but because of incompetence and irresponsibility. Hindi tayo malaya.

Digos City

When I was in my hometown, Digos City, I was very eager to go back here in Davao. I was working as an online teacher, and all my teaching equipment was left behind. We also don’t have access to the internet at our house. My frustration was already at the extreme level because I was thinking of the money I should’ve been getting if these unlikely circumstances did not happen—if I haven’t been stranded. I was only planning to stay for two weeks, together with my father and his live-in partner, who went all her way from Antipolo to Davao to meet us. Then, I dare not say we are lucky enough to get stranded. There is no public transportation, and we don’t have a private vehicle. If we have, it’s not dependable and might cause further problems.

Before the quarantine protocols got less stringent, allowing us to travel, my situation is better than now. I finally had my break from academics and continuous club president duties and volunteerism. I was slacking off just watching TV series and movies after working out. Yes, I was motivated to keep my body healthy and maintain a good weight. I was eating right and happily. Good food was placed on the table, serving my body the nutrients it deserves. My artistic perspective widened since I have lots of time to paint.

That was my routine for almost three months. I was only problematizing my weight loss journey and my frustration regarding the job I had left behind. I don’t even have the time to cry. I mean, I have something to cry about, but I did not shed tears that resembles until the morning. And if I did cry, I can visit my mom in the cemetery as soon as possible; it would ease the pain instantly. I was bored, and I was frustrated, but I was happy in some sort of way.

Davao City

I returned to Davao on May 19. My older brother in Davao City managed to contact any of his friends who are bound to Davao, and I was able to go along with them. Reminiscing, I was delighted because my frustrations would finally come at rest.

“I’m finally back at work!” I celebrated my victory in silence. I don’t have to wait until forever to make money for my tuition fee. I was left with no choice but to use my savings to pay for my tuition. I have a remaining balance of P9,000+ and an enrolment fee of P6,000+ because my father doesn’t have the means yet. Until now, he is still stranded, so I have to shoulder again my school fees of P13,000 due on September 15.

It aches my heart to spend my savings when it is my father’s responsibility, but we are in the middle of a crisis. I conditioned myself to be more understanding since it is not intentional; none of us wanted this to happen. Besides, I am still using my money for myself and my future—to make the reality of my mother’s dream for me.

Going back, when I arrived in Davao, I immediately contacted my workplace to grant me access to my account again. However, after two days of waiting, they told me that I was terminated from the company. I lost all my strength to continue. It was May 20, five days before the most tragic incident of my life happened, when I lost my first-ever job. I was panicking all the way because this is the whole point of why I am here. What were those frustrations for? What would my family tell me when they knew I got fired? I was so ashamed and mad. I lost my job not because of my performance, but because of my absences when I don’t control it.

I spent my days crying without letting anyone know. During the day, I scanned for jobs and applied for various companies. At night, I cry myself to sleep, with thoughts of failure occupying me. I was listening to meditating apps while trying to sleep, yet my frustrations kept on haunting me.

On the 25th of May, I cried all the way as I remembered my mother’s fourth death anniversary, and I was not in her tomb to feel more of her presence.

One time, I got accepted into one company. I thought that I have finally regained myself. I didn’t. For five days of constantly waking up at 2:00AM in the morning because that was the peak time for Japanese students, I wasn’t able to get any bookings. I was sacrificing my sleep and forced to change my body clock for nothing. I decided to give up after knowing that it was not only me who is experiencing it. Many teachers from the same company have the same sentiments. So, I waited for the response of other companies while I scanned again for other jobs.

I got accepted again in another English as a Second Language (ESL) company based in China. This time, I really got to teach because it is a regular class. I still have this job until now. However, for some reason, I find it not sufficient. My shift starts at night from 6PM-9PM, and sometimes it is not stable. Therefore, I decided to look for another job again to make more money.

Fortunately, I got accepted again to another ESL company where I am in charge of my schedule, allowing me to work during the day. To start my contract, I just need to secure my Tax Identification Number. The morning after, I went to the Philippine Statistics Office and waited there for half the day to secure a copy of my birth certificate, a requirement for the TIN. They won’t allow NSO copies anymore because it is outdated, so I had no choice. In the afternoon, I went to the city hall to ask for another requirement, the receipts, which cost P7,000-P12,000 for self-employed. My presence sunk in the cold earth, crying while walking in the streets of San Pedro. How can I pay for that when I barely have any money left? To utilize my time, I went to the ugly and corrupt Barangay Hall of 34-D for my Barangay Clearance and went home after that. The next day, I decided to go directly to the Bureau of Internal Revenue to ask for other options. To my dismay, I got the same response. So, I gave up another job because of its requirements. There is no way I would pay that much for a low-paying job. I brushed my tears running through my cheeks, not minding the people watching me sob in the rain—yep, very much like the movies.

Everything seems to be avoiding my way. Things are not going according to plan or to what I have envisioned. I got tired and restless. I was not exercising anymore. I was not eating quality food because I don’t have enough money. My meals are either bread, oatmeal, and canned goods. Coffee became my best friend during these times. The world kept on taking away my chances, but there’s still hope residing in me. There’s still a spark waiting to be reignited. Every time I look at my mom’s picture, I remember the daughter she raised. I am not the kind of person to give up easily. I don’t give up; I only pause or divert.

For the nth time, I applied again for jobs, hoping to get accepted in the fastest way possible. My father is not sending me any money. My kuya is also saving money for his migration abroad, so the budget is really tight. I even experienced eating oatmeal and sky flakes for lunch for a week, not because I wanted to lose weight, but for the sole reason that I have nothing else to eat.

Finally, luck’s on my side. My classmate and dear friend, Dennise, offered me a ghostwriting job, which helped me survive. It was exactly what I needed.

I have no choice but to strive hard for my tuition fee, for my daily spending, for food, bills, and the things I want to buy. At this point, I feel entirely helpless. I feel like I have already moved out, and I’m living for myself with no support from my parents. Every time I cry at night, I think of my mom. I can’t help but wonder how things would go if she’s still here. But thinking of it won’t do any good. Clinging on the past will just prevent me from growing. What I should do but to endure and fight my way out of here. I’m sure one day I will.

I still get lonely all the time. When I wake up, the first thing I want to do is to cry. Sometimes, I even cry in my sleep. I stare at the electric fan for minutes and ponder if this day could get better. I brew some coffee, open the laptop, and listen to my online classes. During my free time, I write articles to earn more money or read a book to distract myself from my lonely world. At 12nn, I eat my lunch. Then, from being a student, I become a teacher when my shift starts at 6PM-9PM. At night, I read again or scroll my news feed or continue writing. Sometimes I watch series so I can explore other worlds better than this. Preferably, I watch comedy so I could laugh. I also listen to podcasts to hear other people’s voices to occupy the disturbing silence. I do it, so I won’t think that I am alone. Alone, lonely, and longing.

I try to battle my loneliness. Sometimes I win, but most of the times I don't, and the signs are visible. My hair fall has worsened, I stress-eat unhealthy food, and my face welcomed pimples and sunspots. It gets lonely most of the time, but as I close my eyes at night, I cling to the tiniest hope left in me, wishing to wake up to the sun's slightly glared rays, humble for the eyes with traces of tears.

It gets lonely sometimes.