I am not the marrying type

As early as the age of 19, I stopped seeing myself walking down the floral aisle, wearing the conventional white dress in a garden setting like I used to. I don't know when it exactly happened or what triggered me to embody this mindset. I just know that I am not capable enough to get married and handle a family.

I have never been in a relationship—and I can't see myself as the girlfriend type. It feels too overwhelming for me to give comfort and absorb others' problems; I don't think I can provide warmth during the cold. I am a hopeless romantic and I fantasize about the joy of being in a relationship, but I have never thought of coping with the absence of happiness. So, I wondered, "If I cannot shoulder others' burdens as early as now (even with friends I find it hard), how can I do it in a more committed relationship, especially with kids to worry about."

To add, I don't want to have kids which made me thought that I am also not the mother type. In a conventional marriage, it seems like having children is a requirement, adding the toxic mindset that kids are responsible for taking care of their parents when they grow older (I mean, you should, but it is not a responsibility, rather an initiative). I believe that raising children is the most laborious of all jobs, which is why I don't think I can be a mother. Only a true mother can do that.

I consider myself independent enough to live on my own and venture the world without anyone else's company. Growing up, I only have my mother to accompany me, so when she died, I became more independent in many aspects. I strongly affirm to my capabilities to survive alone, and I value my freedom more than any abstract notions. I don't want to be limited, to be told of what to do—I want to walk my path and lead my way without any societal standards to dictate me. To quote Jo March of Little Women, "I'm happy as I am, and I love my liberty too well to be in a hurry to give it up for any mortal man."

So, whenever I rant about wanting a boyfriend, I misunderstood myself. What I want is comfort because I am longing and lonely. Also, I want to experience it; I want to feel things. I am afraid that I would end up not feeling anything at all aside from grief and other tragic emotions.

However, I am not closing my doors yet. I am still young, and there are still more to come. For now, I have a strong stance about not getting married and building a family.

And if I were to love, I know that I have reserved more than enough love to share. I can give it without losing my already established individuality. We can't tell that by then, maybe, my perspective will change.

The possibilities are endless.