Reliving December

i know i’ve said it many times before that i am an appreciator of angst. while it is true that heartbreaks can be devastating, i wanna feel the pain and the gradual shattering of my established pieces. i’ve said it many times that i wanna relate to these breakup songs, these pieces about separation, these expressions of falling apart. i crave for emotions to feel myself.

now i am feeling those careless wishes. suddenly, all the tragic melodies made sense. i curl on my bed with my pillow on my face, shouting my heart out and bursting into tears while i feel my chest becomes heavier every single second. i gasp for air, inhaling another seconds of misery. my body feels so shallow right now; my chest carrying all these unwanted emotions. it makes it harder to breathe. i can’t help but surrender to tears, to mourn like a helpless child. i’m falling to pieces, shattering and crumbling like ashes. the world is still spinning and the song on loop playing yet i am not in sync. i’m being left behind while everything tries to fall into place.

“this, too, shall pass,” they say and i’d like to believe. i will acknowledge these emotions, feel it as part of me; own it as if it’s been with me since the earlier of times. however, i will not dwell. i know i will move on. that’s what i always do.

i have never anticipated that breakups would be this difficult to deal with. i am enraged, embarrassed, afraid, longing, and lost. i lost my hope, and now it’s completely ruined. may i go back to the time where i cling so much to that word, motivating me to continue.

this is not like the movies where the protagonist will leave a humbling message for that person who wrecked his/her/their heart. this is an entry for myself and my promise to regain my peace.

-Jewel Liaison