I waited for you to love me back

Date written: September 2, 2015

Uploaded: October 2, 2015 Re-uploaded: May 14, 2018

I’m over-acting again, pardon me. My blog serves as my pillow. This is where I gave up all my emotions.

It was June 2012, our first year in high school, when we first met and when I had a crush on you. Seeing your “chinito eyes” and your almost perfect wide smile complete my day. Talking to you and laughing out loud to your corny jokes make the butterflies in my stomach wild, and whenever you say “hi” to me, smile at me or do sweet gestures, my heart beats fast.

We are now in the fourth year of high school. Still, those little things that conclude my day when we were in the 7th grade didn’t vanish. It feels the same way back but it got deeper now. We are classmates and we are good friends; we are both officers of the Student Government; we hang out. Almost all of the time, we are together. You’re so near yet so far. It gets deeper and harder everyday. The more I fall, the harder to move on. There are so many reasons why I should stop my feelings, but I just can’t.

There’s a part of me still hoping that you’ll love me back.

You loved and courted my best friend. You loved other girls but some of them didn’t love you back. They say that you’re desperate to have a girlfriend. You’re always finding or trying someone to enter your trap. While I’m here, willing to catch you, willing to take risk, willing to take your love.

Lately, I saw a difference. You’re not always talking to me, you’re not making me laugh anymore. The “clingy you” vanished like a bubble. I can’t feel your hands that used to pat my head and shoulders. I can’t feel those rough yet warm hands hold mine. I can’t feel the sweet gestures and “paasa moves” that make me happy. Those beautiful eyes that I’m always staring at didn’t stare back at me anymore.

Why ?

I found out that you courted a girl and your feelings are mutual. Finally, you found one after chasing those girls you couldn’t have. You’re happier now, and I’m happy for you because you finally found her, the one who can satisfy you. The one who said “yes” to your question. Knowing this news made me cry hard. The nights I dreamed of you can’t happen into reality now. The plans I made is now useless. Words were left unsaid. It’s finally time to give up. I can’t do anything to make you mine. I hope she will always make you happy. I hope she will not waste your efforts. I do hope the best for you.

These feelings are just temporary. I may be lonely now but don’t worry, I’m alright, I’m strong. The time will come that I will be happy and I will just laugh at the things that made me cry. I’m still young, by the way. Greater things will come; I’m hopeful.

Maybe in the future, if we are really destined for each other, we can give it a try. Maybe our time isn’t meant to happen today.

You’ll always have a space in my heart. Thanks for the memories and heartaches. My four years of being into you ends here.

…

I saw this letter as I scroll back through my posts so I decided to edit it because I recognized errata.

…

Almost 3 years after that entry, here I am writing again about you. These words strucked me:

“Maybe in the future, if we are really destined for each other, we can give it a try. Maybe our time isn’t meant to happen today.”

Who would’ve thought that the future I was talking about then is today? That the love I was longing for finally came when it’s already too late.

Many things happened. You broke up with that beautiful girl. You met someone or should I say you met someone again—the ravishing girl who lives in North Carolina. She was the reason why I avoided you for a long period of time during the 7th grade. I saw your conversations because you gave me your FB password. Lol. I was such an immature for doing that. HAHAHA.

Moreover, I am truly amazed by how the things turned out. You were flipped. However, I doubted it. I don’t feel pretty, I just feel used. It’s clear that you still have feelings for that girl but unfortunately, you cannot have her or I don’t know what’s the reason behind but the odds weren’t in your favor. That’s why I was uncertain if I would take a risk on you. One thing was certain for me that time, you had a chance but you chose not to take it. I guess your metal hand isn’t really made to handle my flame. Time is really playful huh. Maybe we’re not really meant to happen.

Now about the title of this entry: I waited for you to love me back, you never asked me to wait nor did you give any chances. I was just a foolish girl back then for hoping.

But did it really happen when I am no longer waiting for you?

As we separate ways, I just want you to know that you mean a lot to me. I wish that you will always possess what your surname does—happiness.

You will always be my Finn and my Bryce Loski, and I will always be your Flame Princess and Juli Baker.