Withered in May

Grown-ups say that they can understand the pain of losing a parent. Of course, they do but not the same feeling when you lose one of them earlier.

As a teenager, with high hopes, dancing passions, and a wandering mind, I crave for freedom, acceptance and belonging from my significant others. During this stage, teenagers need their support the most. They tend to be lost —visiting the vast point of views of others is the journey of an innocent and naive mind. Young adults are prickly in nature; they need support and guidance while they find their path.

I lost my mom two years before I reach the age of majority. I was sixteen years old back then. A teenage girl who just finished Junior High School, and was about to enter Senior High School in two weeks as a pioneer of the new curriculum. She was not able to see me as I adapt myself into a new environment wearing a blouse tucked in a maroon plaid shirt with a necktie of the same pattern. The only thing that made it to the SHS is my identification card with her name as my guardian. As I was about to enter a new beginning, someone said goodbye. She left without a warning, and I was lost in state. I did not just lost my mother, but I lost my everything, my will to live, my bestfriend, my queen, and my home. How can I ever come back? Is it possible to be at home again; to function as if I am not broken, and to live as if I am not dead inside?

My mom is my best friend. She was always there for me in all times may it be a big or small deal. Before she left permanently, the longest time she left me was when I was five years old when she went here in Davao while we stayed in our hometown in Las Pinas. I had my mom beside me always. She was always a part of my memories, now she became one. Maybe that’s the reason why I shattered, and struggling to be complete again or maybe just feel complete because I already lost the most treasured jewel of mine.

As I look at her in pictures because I don’t have any other ways to see her again, my heart cries due to frustration. It feels awful to know that the moments we had together will remain as moments with no possibility of happening again. And I have to accept that there’s nothing I could do to replace those memories with her. I need learn how to live and to survive to create beautiful memories with the people I have right now because I know that is what she wanted for me. So I promised to myself after she left that I would continue to live the life she wanted me to experience, and the life she lived for me. Now, let me reminisce these memories for they keep me alive.

I can still remember the last time we were able to celebrate for an occasion. It was my parents’ anniversary that’s why my mom bought dinner and talked to my dad via video call. That night, she was still standing on her knees while carrying a braso de mercedes half-roll cake and so I invited her to take a picture of us. We did, losing the thought that we were not fond of taking pictures of ourselves. That was the last time I witnessed my parents’ celebrate for their love, and they were not together during that last moment.

It was my mom who was always there to accompany me in my school activities because he is working abroad. She had this rule that my dad will escort me in all of my school events so that he could catch up and witness my achievements. My dad alone became my escort during my Junior High School completion because she was not able to stand still anymore. I was used of not having my dad attend my fruitful hard work while my mom never missed one. Now she will miss all the following in the list. It wasn’t just all about medals, merits, and ribbons, it was recognition and her presence making it all something to look forward to. My parents never pressured me to achieve a particular rank but I had to because I want them to be more proud. Seeing their face with eyes that reflect a genuine smile makes me motivated. This is what I always keep in mind now. I imagined my mom’s bright face smiling at me for making it this far.

When I entered Senior High School, I realized that it was not just about making new friends and adjusting to a new school. It was also making myself more independent. Contrast to my past years, my mom was there to cover me up. When I was sick, she was the one who makes my excuse letters and sends it to our school to be credited while I lay on my bed with a thermometer in my armpit ranging to an unusual temperature and a cold towel on my forehead. Now, I don’t even know how to present myself in front of my aunt or any of my guardian when my oldest brother is not around. Since no one can deliver my excuse letters or because I am afraid to make a request, I have no choice but to send it on my own even if I have sore eyes.

I am an active student and I like participating to various activities which my mom supported me wholeheartedly. She even encourages me to join. As my legal guardian, she signs my consents, and gives me allowance and snacks. It was a one-week out of town journalism contest and I was packing my things but it burst from my maleta. I think moms are innate in this skill for it was just a piece of cake for her. My mom never failed to rescue me but I failed to rescue her. I became independent without living apart.This kind of independence is rare because the world that you re trying to live alone is not a physical isolation, but a mental and an emotional one.

During the night before my mom died, we argued about my debut. She wanted to have a grand celebration with blinding lights, expensive utensils, mesmerizing decorations, and a red gown in a red carpet. But as a fierce boyish girl, I declined her suggestion. My wish is to go to Japan to visit Hogwarts, become a Straw-hat inside the Thousand Sunny, to have a picture with the pink leaves of cherry blossom trees photo-bombing behind. She said that experiencing a party is once in a lifetime for a young lady. It was our last argument and I had never thought that she would win.

I celebrated my 18th birthday in a small function hall with a Hogwarts’ theme. However, I disobeyed her for it was not a grand celebration and I also did not wear a shining shimmering long red gown, instead, I wore a Slytherin uniform as well as my guests. Without my mom by my side, I organized my own event and it turned out successful. What saddened me the most was that I was not able to hear her speech and to cry because of it.

My parents were not there to escort during my Senior High School graduation. I am the only child that she never got to see graduate in high school because she was able to attend my brothers’. She will not be there anymore to receive with me my medals and certificates, even when receiving report cards with hardworking grades. She will not be there to cheer me up when I failed various contests or failed to achieve a rank I was aiming for. When I applied for college admissions, I was doing my best to stop my tears from falling as I wrote “deceased” beside her name; I have no choice but to do it for the rest of my life. And when I finished college and enter law school hopefully, she will not witness my success and our dreams turned into reality. The time will come that the man for me will arrive but my mom will not be there anymore to cry in my wedding as I say, “I do”. She will not be able to hear my babies cry and their voices calling her grandma or lola even if she despises to be called as one. As unfortunate as it may seem, I have to accept the fact that things before would never be the same again.

I am now in College, and it is really harder than I thought. I had mental breakdowns, academic pressure, and feelings of isolation. During my dilemmas, I don’t have someone to express these tragedies because I don’t really like to feel like a burden and cause of annoyance towards others. I am seen as a person with great bravery, and letting them see my genuineness would somewhat change me about how I see myself. It was only my mom who was able to remove my mask and see how destroyed I am inside. The jewel she spent her life treasuring it is now a mess.

I will never see her contagious smile together with her genuine eyes anymore. I will never feel again the warmth of her hug as I enter her embrace nor her lips with a cheap lipstick pressing my chubby cheeks. Her texts and calls will never reappear on my screen. My tongue craves for her viands and pasalubongs. I would not be able to experience our unexpected food trips using our red car where she gave birth to me to treat me for a merienda. Her voice, as soft as ever and very pleasing unlike mine will never be heard again. I long to hear you say “I love you” once more.

Mom, I am healing right now. I still cry at night while I embrace your portrait, but unlike before, I am now able to wipe my tears afterwards. It may not hurt as it did before but it still does. I would trade anything just to see you again, but for now, I’ll just wait.You may be gone but our dreams together will continue to exist, and I will live my life making our dreams come true.

Till we meet again, mama! You will always be treasured and remembered.